pika, 19 (+60) . uninteresting, pessimistic, simple and a fool . read at your own risk and for your own pleasure, if applicable . i blog not to impress anyone { }

#1 ; spitting out
Saturday, May 16, 2015 ,1:04 AM (+ 0)

okay i am really spitting everything out. now is the time i let it all out. Okay so i got this one friend, my best friend. She was so close to me, until some of my friends even said that we looked like a couple (no okay im straight) we do everything together, go everywhere together and just about everything, we are always together. She once even said to me that i am one of the people whom she cherishes the most in matriculation life and you dont even know how touched i was for having someone to treasure me like a lot. Honestly i have never been so close and so clingy towards someone even my best friend who i started to be friends with since five years old. That is the reason why i was so touched. She knows almost all of my secrets really. I think she knows ALL of them tbvh.

I never opened myself so much to someone like i did to her. I never even tell my secrets to anyone in this whole wide world and no one knew who i really am like she does. She knows the real me and the bad things that i have did and everything. But i didnt see it coming. I didnt see that this was going to happen. She changed thats what i realized on this one not so fine day. She was so nice with words, so caring and name everything positive, she was once an angel i can say. I dont know what made her changed and its just really really sad and unbearable cuz i never had a friend like her. I cherished her so much that it got me broken. So all i knew was i broke down one day in our room, yes shes my roommate, infront of her but she didnt even asked and walked away. I was wailing and sobbing really really hard okay i swear i never cried so hard. So i called my parents and got comforted. My dad even said this to me, " I didnt know you have been keeping this since September, and all I see is that you guys are fine and so close that I have never seen you so close to someone like that before. " and then i sobbed and we talked and i went to sleep right after talking to my parents.

My parents knew her anyway because she came to my house once. Sigh. Okay continue. So she is close with one of her classmates now. And tbh im really really jealous seeing how close they are, yeah i cant stand seeing my best friend being close to another person. This once happened to me and syaff to but i got through it. But for her, i have never told her that i was jealous with everyone that is close with her because i dont want it to be mistook as something else. So i never tell her even until now that matriculation ended cuz i am too afraid. Sometimes i cant even stand myself for being so weak and all but i didnt asked to be born like this.

But anyway i once told her that i miss her, i miss us. I wrote a message so long but she only replied with something short and when i said i love her she didnt even reply. Sigh. But shes treating all her other close friends so differently, its unfair, im a human with feelings too. And i didnt see her putting any efforts at all to protect this friendship. Well yeah she dont show her feelings publicly but at least do something. Just by looking at all the pictures we took makes me sad af.  The videos of us singing and all. Have u forgotten? I dont see what i did wrong and all i knew was she changed. She just changed. Its not like i dont like changes or hate it but our friendship could have stayed forever if there were more efforts. I know we could have made it i just know. And its not even too late

She was the source to my happiness because we always do silly things together. I remember that we even once walked to a supermarket because we were bored waiting at the hospital so we walked outside although we shouldnt. And i still remember how afraid both of us were if we were to be caught but luckily we didnt. And no one knew we even did that because we keep it as a secret. Our little secret.

Little did u know that a lot of people asked about us, about you and why arent they seeing us as close as before and i honestly dont know what to say to them. Sometimes i think its all my fault, if i havent started this maybe we should just be okay but i was sensitive and i could detect even the smallest things that change around me okay. Now all of your words are like knives, yeah i dont mind sarcasm but you sounded like you really mean it although sometimes you dont. I wont forget the time you first shouted at me, did you know i was crying and pretending to sleep ? Because you have never shouted at me like that and not even talked rudely to me. Reading our old conversations, you were really... different.
I was touched when you texted me when i was sick. Honestly i was waiting for you to text me okay although i didnt tell you i was sick but suddenly you texted me a get well soon message and honestly i am so touched that you really cared for me.

Sorry if you think i forgot everything but i remember these ; you were so protective and never let other people got close to me and you suddenly stopped from doing that, you hate mango drinks, youre very picky, you dont like people touching your nose, you dont like being scolded, you have never watched movies in the cinema, you love the rain, you dont like mushrooms, you never went to a water park, you dont like to read long messages, you never liked your eyes cuz to you theyre small, you have a diary but you didnt let me read the ones you wrote using pen and more. it will take forever for me to list down all of them. I once told my mom how picky you are and i told her 'very' and she asked about the things you dont like and i told her all of them that i knew about at that time.

I remember the day i started considering that we are close is when you told me your biggest secret under the bridge or whatever it is called at pekan kuala pilah. I honestly didnt believe you would break it out to me because that means you have your trust in me and no one ever knew about it and it is still safe with me until now. I remember you once invited me to your home, i wanted to go there myself to meet barbara (though shes now...) cuz at that time she was still alive and you know how much i love animals. I remember us exchanging cute cat pictures on whatsapp and we chatted until 4am in the morning.

You used to call me everytime you found something interesting on twitter or other sites to show it to me but you suddenly stopped one day and started to show it to our other roommates instead of me. You dont know how sad i was at that time thinking that i am not needed anymore. We even once stayed up til' 3am in the morning at our hostel too and that day i knew one of your biggest secrets again and that secret is also still safe with me. You asked me to stay up with you so i can accompany you to do your homework and i did which resulted in both of us going to sleep at 3am in the morning.

I remember when we went to koperasi together almost everynight cuz we were bored to death. And hana asked us to buy her super rings so i did but i left it there so we need to go back to take it and thats when i first introduced you to my crush because he was there. I remember when you came back from classes you told me about you showing our picture to your classmates and they shipped us (i am straight okay) . I remember how excited you were to join my family on our zoo trip and i was too. We bought lots of couple things there cuz youre like my twin sister.

Our birthdays are even close and it is only 7 days apart. I remember how you like to come to my bed and played your phone there almost everyday and you did it everytime you got back from your classes you said that my place is like your place and again i was touched. But then one day you stopped and your reason was because of the slow internet connection. And i was sad hearing that little did u know? I remember how you asked me to give my phone to you like a child asking for a candy just to play pokemon on my phone. Do you know why i deleted it? Cuz i really thought you dont want to play it anymore and i was sad okay because you stopped asking permission to play that on my phone starting this one not so fine day.

I remember crying when i knew that the IPG result is coming out on the next day cuz i dont want you to go because we just got close to each other so i didnt want you to leave just yet and you didnt luckily. I remember coming in the room and greeted by your sticky that says 'i love you' and i was touched again. I remember us having each others twitters and we were always tweetjacking each other. I remember standing beside the cloth line with you outside and we were just standing there watching the night and confessed about our lifes then one of our friends came and asked what are we even doing and then we were just laughing it off and giving secretful smiles to her and to each other. Remember the movie tickets that i got for free and wanted to go with you ? We fought right after that, it was a really huge fight, the worst i guess. And i said i still wanted to give you that movie tickets because it was a promise afterall, but you didnt want and you asked me to watch with my sister instead. Fyi, i didnt used it okay and i just let the tickets go just like that because i really wanted to give you but you declined my offer so... I miss you. See, i never forget everything okay ? Okay maybe i should stop before i go overboard. Bye, good night.

Sorry for grammar error cuz im too lazy to check

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